It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead