Well, my evening plans are ruined
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*