Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My plans: 2020:
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.