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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I will never stop laughing at this
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.