New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
hey, alexa
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.