New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.