New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now


I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective


The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.


Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.


[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.



me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?


When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.


If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?