@chickenmclovin

New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

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@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

@RykWeston

The girl at the Baskins-Robbins thinks Leonardo da Vinci was “in that Titanic movie”. Now my ice cream tastes like stupid.

@tchrquotes

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@kelkulus

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

@crmotwo

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@Buzzee09

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?