HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket