Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
New comic up. “Ransom”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.