A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*