The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
You Might Also Like
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits