new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today

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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no


The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt


Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.


ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.


Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were


Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.


Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.