New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Tuesday
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”