New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Oh the world we live in…
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.