me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review