Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?