Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
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My first son he is wonderful
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
This cat wants you to take your pills
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan