All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up