Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

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me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)


Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!


My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me


So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.


[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days


[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*


My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.


[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.


I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.


Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.