@dshack8

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

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@liv_thatsme

“THE CROPS ARE DYING!”

“NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!”

me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@bornmiserable

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

@paigebyerly

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@squirrel74wkgn

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@Brampersandon_

[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.

@BritXNic

I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.