HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.