Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.