Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
You Might Also Like
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
not for long
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.