Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Rooting for the overdog
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing