Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.