NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it