NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register