My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Spotted in New Orleans.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.