@FrogAvalanche

News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

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@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@BlindChow

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@youngkrazz

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

@simoncholland

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.