News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”


“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.


Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.


I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem


Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty


ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir


I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.