@FrogAvalanche

News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

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@Hobo_Splendido

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

@EndhooS

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

@EtobicokeErnie

Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@pintofdraft

I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.