News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.


*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience


I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play


There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”


I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me


My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.


I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.