News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
damn he’s good
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.