Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
britain’s three elite institutions
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia