Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Million dollar idea – an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?