@FunnyOrDieNews

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

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@SteveSuckington

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@abbycohenwl

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@juliussharpe

Million dollar idea – an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.

@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

@msmollybee25

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

@Ristolable

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.