If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Nice try, poison.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?