@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

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@WilliamAder

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@SexyInsomniac

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

@dafloydsta

Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?

@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@YSylon

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?