News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?