@causticbob

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

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@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

@ItsSamG

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

@ElitatheLibra

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

@TitansHomer

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@juliussharpe

I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.

@causticbob

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.