BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I saw this ending much differently.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?