Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.
News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
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Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey.
Poor guy does it: Cops.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.