@SocialustGal13

News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.

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@LOsepyan

Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

@AndyAsAdjective

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@PhilJamesson

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.