News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄