Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports