@ObscureGent

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

You Might Also Like

@shashaintl

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@ElgatoEsmio

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@ClichedOut

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@Book_Krazy

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget

@

“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports