Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
good morning
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”