news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
