Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
You Might Also Like
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)