@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

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@Token_Geezer

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@BlindChow

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

@TheHappySquirrl

Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?

@XplodingUnicorn

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did