@MomOnFire: Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to "steal" as many as she wants.
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@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues
@fart: no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won't get my genitals dirty and i won't have to wash my hands after. duh
@MichaelTrying: "I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I'll make more." -Trees