@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

@PabloGSerski

I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.

@jenspyra

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”

@tarashoe

how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how’s that feel, Stlerbecks?

@MrSandeepP

My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@Abusitron

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*