Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
You Might Also Like
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that thereβs someone for everybody.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!π
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. π
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning Iβm hungry now and donβt wanna wait for big food
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: Youβre stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Swing states arenβt as much fun as they sound.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Wait for it…πππππ
βT.G.I.F!β – not Jesus, probably.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
π
Uncertain:
π
Just married:
π
Pregnant:
π
Dead:
π
Only $139.95! Act now!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til youβre suddenly married.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.