Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.


I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.


I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”


how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how’s that feel, Stlerbecks?


My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.


WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?


[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*