newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.