Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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#BostonBlizzard2015
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”