Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
gentlemen, hear me out
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.