Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.