Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Breaking news:
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Never be a pizza!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’ve had worse
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT