You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You Might Also Like
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m good, thanks.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Oh thanks BBC.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
was Jim off killing horses or…
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?