Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.