Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The “baby” on the left….
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Wednesday
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.