Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The Friday File.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.