If my mom had her own music genre it would be heavy meddle.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.