[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming