@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

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@Wenderella22

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bullet proof vest

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@HomeWithPeanut

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@thedad

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.