@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

- @Owl_Meat

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

@robfee

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@cloudypianos

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

@BromanConsul

I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”

@truegritrumble

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@PoshTick

time traveller: what’s wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

@Thynebear

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

@pixelatedboat

Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you’ve got?
Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis
Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you