[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy