Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
No, YOUR illiterate.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
mood
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC