Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
You Might Also Like
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Not today.. 😂
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime