Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?
Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*
Next month on the 13th, the date will be 13/13/13.
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Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead