Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Plant care tips
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon