I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.