dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Just in case to be clear #gbbo