Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Sponch
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.