@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

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@molly7anne

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

@javi_draws

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@MummaCrazy

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

@Eithercryingor

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

@TheBoydP

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1